Father Figure
by spn22
Summary: New father Harry reflects on the father figures in his life and what they meant to him.
1. Prologue

Harry stared out the window, his baby boy breathing softly in his arms. He had insisted that Ginny stay in bed when baby James had woken at his usual preferred time- 3am. Ginny hadn't needed much convincing, her eyes puffy and swollen from one too many late nights. Harry had tonight found himself lying awake, waiting for the familiar whimper from his son. Tonight, Harry welcomed the company.

Now though, it seemed that James wasn't offering much in the way of company. He lay, content but curious, his eyes fighting to stay open as he blinked up at Harry.

Harry rocked James gently.

"It's okay, James. Go back to sleep." He stroked his cheek with a finger and James's eyes grew heavier.

"Daddy's here.I'm not going anywhere."

Harry, alarmed, found that his last sentence caught in his throat. The thought of leaving James all alone... without a father.

Had the same thought ever crossed his father's mind? The awful 'what if' questions that most parents think about but try and bury away?

What if?

Harry blinked quickly as his mind went to places it usually did in the dead of the night. Places full of faces he longed to speak to again.

Memories.

Memories were a difficult process for Harry. Some memories he was sure he fabricated and embellished over the years. A toy broom stick, smiling faces. He couldn't possibly have truly remembered such memories.

They helped anyway...and hurt.

Just like baby James reluctantly trying to fight off the inevitable sleep, Harry found his mind wandering further and further into the past. A dangerous and conflicting place of memories.


	2. Dumbledore

Harry felt overwhelmingly tired.

It had been agreed by a reluctant Madame Pomfrey that Harry be allowed to leave the hospital wing later that afternoon. Harry had felt after the events of the Philosopher's stone that he had been in the wing for weeks and he had started feeling depressed by the sounds of his fellow students in the grounds outside, especially when he had started to feel so much better. Madame Pomfrey had been insistent that Harry was to remain under her ever watchful eyes until she was sure that he had fully recovered. Harry was careful to not so much as sneeze in her presence at the fear that she might decide he was coming down with some other kind of virus caused by the "trauma and stress" that she used to describe Harry's symptoms daily.

However, as the hours crept by, Harry had started feeling an anxiety that he couldn't really understand. He had been so eager to escape the hospital wing that he hadn't really considered what was waiting for him beyond the huge white doors. Questions, stares, whispers. He hadn't liked it before...surely it would all be intensified by the events of the stone? Just thinking about it made Harry feel immensely tired. Suddenly, the crisp white sheets that he had grown to despise looked incredibly tempting.

Harry glanced at the clock on the wall, which played a new song every hour, his stomach churning. Time to go.

Placing the last of his cards and presents into a bag, Harry flung he strap over his shoulder, made an effort to flatten his hair and began to walk unsteadily towards the door.

"Ready to be off, Harry?"

Harry turned around. Dumbledore was stood behind Harry. When had he arrived? Harry hadn't seen or heard him.

"Sir?"

Dumbledore looked down at Harry kindly. "I suspected, as remarkably brave as you have proven yourself to be this year, that today you might require bit of a helping hand. I am here to aid, if that is agreeable with you."

Harry nodded and Dumbledore smiled.

"It is no shame to feel overwhelmed by sudden freedom, Harry. Even when one is trapped somewhere where they don't wish to be, the freedom removed takes away the cruel realities of having to face choice and decision. An entrapment in their selves."

Harry searched for words but his head was still spinning and he was finding it hard to process the words which Dumbledore had spoken to him.

"My dear boy, please accept my apologies. Your head has had enough pounding these last few days. The last thing you need are the tired words of an old man."

Harry looked at the floor.

"I'm...I'm nervous, sir."

Harry felt himself turning red. The words sounded so pathetic and child-like when he spoke them out loud and he immediately wished he had kept his fears in his head.

Dumbledore placed a strong hand on Harry's shoulder. "My dear boy, I would be astonished if you weren't."

"I've wanted to leave for days...but now..."

"But now it's hear, it's not what you imagined?"

Harry nodded again.

"Harry..." Dumbledore's piercing eyes looked deeply into his. "It is one thing to face the horrors of evil. An impulse takes over. Yet the realities of every day life is another story. How you act with your peers is more complicated than how we act with our enemies. A much trickier and more complicated thing to get right. In fact, very few do. You can't control how other people decide to react to life, Harry. Yet you have much more of an input on how you decide to react to them."

Harry again looked at Dumbledore questioningly.

"Oh, Harry. You must accept my apologies once again. It is one of my many, many faults. Profound thoughts should be told at the right time. Next time, please do tell me to kindly stop my insane rambling." Dumbledore leant in closer to Harry, "A similar piece of advice you may wish to use on students who take pleasure from rumours and whispers."

Harry sincerely smiled for the first time that day.

"Never feel you have to be the subject of other people's mundane lives, Harry. However, should it become too much...because, as much as I would love to reassure you that they won't, people _will_ treat you differently...at least at first, my door is always open."

Harry nodded his thanks, words failing him once again.

"I am..." Dumbledore looked carefully at Harry, "Immensely proud of you, Harry."

Harry watched an owl fly past the window, wishing that he could say something intelligent.

"Harry?" Dumbledore's eyes searched Harry's face. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I think so."

"Shall we?"

Dumbledore stretched out a hand indicating that Harry should go first.

Harry began walking down the corridor, the sounds of the school becoming louder as he reached the huge double doors. His shoulders tensed slightly.

"Right behind you, Harry." Dumbledore's voice was soft. "Right behind you."


	3. Lupin

_Thank you for the reviews :) Hope you enjoy this chapter._

_I do not own Harry Potter_

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"Harry?"

Lupin was on his feet immediately as Harry entered the room.

"You should be resting. Why are you up?"

Harry took the nearest seat, not far from Lupin and sat cross-legged, clutching his head.

"I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep."

Lupin's eyebrows creased in worry as he rose up out of his seat.

"Sit. I'll get you a hot drink."

Harry didn't argue and stared into the open fire. He couldn't imagine ever feeling the peace of sleep again. It had been so long since his sleep had been uninterrupted, since he could shut his eyes without worrying what he might see.

Christmas Eve. He stared for as long as he could at the flames before the heat became too intense for him to take.

"That won't help your headache, Harry."

Harry jumped as Lupin placed a steaming mug of hot chocolate next to him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's okay. You didn't."

Lupin pulled up the chair and didn't question Harry for a few minutes, which Harry was grateful for

"Is it your scar?"

"What?"

"Your scar? Is that what's causing your headache?"

"I don't think so." Harry took a sip from the mug. "Not this time."

Lupin nodded. He intertwined his fingers and looked at the floor. He considered Harry for a moment and then spoke, softly.

"Are you missing him?"

Harry didn't look up. He didn't need to ask who Lupin was referring to. He nodded, his voice failing him.

"Me too."

Harry ran a hand over his face. All he could think about tonight was Sirius...and yet he couldn't even begin to express in words how much he missed him.

"Christmas... it can be a cruel time. A cruel time for memories, anyway. For those who don't have the blissful safety of family..." Lupin paused and looked at Harry again "It can be particularly cruel."

"Ow!" Harry's mug crashed to the floor, immediately breaking into small pieces as he clutched desperately at his forehead. Lupin was crouched in front of him in seconds. Harry let out an involuntary scream. Lupin held Harry on his shoulders.

"Harry, Harry...breathe, look at me." Lupin tried to hide the panic in his voice. He had never seen Harry so out of control before. Then, almost as quickly as it had come, Harry stopped screaming, his breathing laboured as he fought to get his body back under control.

"I'm okay, I'm okay..." Harry fell back into his chair, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

"Harry...you were in severe pain..."

"It's gone. The pain is gone."

Lupin hesitantly returned to his chair, his eyes not leaving Harry's face.

"Harry... how often does this happen?"

Harry gave a shrug.

"A lot?"

"It depends."

Lupin shook his head.

Harry felt sick. It was rare for anyone to actually observe one of his... whatever these were. Clearly Voldemort was feeling particularly angry tonight.

"Harry. I know... I know you confided a lot in Sirius."

Harry flinched slightly at the first mention of the name.

"I'm glad you did. I really am. You needed someone... and I know what Sirius meant to you. I know what you meant to him."

Harry couldn't find the words or the energy to reply to Lupin.

"But know this Harry... nobody, nobody, can take away what you had with Sirius. Ever. But you should know... please know Harry. There are others who love and care for you. A lot."

Harry looked up, tried to smile but his eyes failed him. Lupin stood up and put a hand on Harry's face for a second.

"Good night, Harry."

"Night."

Lupin started to leave and then paused.

"Will you sleep...at all?"

Harry shrugged. "Probably not. I don't usually sleep after...after I have my headaches."

Lupin smiled and sat back down.

"Then neither will I."

Harry gave his first genuine smile.

"Merry Christmas, Harry."

"Merry Christmas."


	4. Sirius

_Thank you for the reviews. Hope you keep enjoying!_

_I do not own Harry Potter._

* * *

Harry made his way down to the kitchen. He could hear Sirius' loud laugh and just the sound of it made him feel immediately better. Sirius was invincible. This morning it didn't matter that Harry had had a sleepless night. Just seeing Sirius, sitting beside him at the table, made him feel safe.

"Harry! Cup of tea?"

"Please" Harry sat down in the nearest chair. Sirius walked past, ruffled his hair and grabbed a mug.

"How did you sleep?"

Harry went to say "fine" but stopped. Sirius turned round to look at him.

"Not good?"

Harry shook his head and Sirius sat in the seat opposite to him.

"Was it your scar?"

"No. For once."

"I'm glad to hear that." Sirius gave a grimace. "So what's up?"

Harry shrugged. "Just couldn't sleep. Brain wouldn't shut down."

Sirius gave a bark of a laugh. "I hear you, Harry. Know the feeling."

Harry rose his eyebrows and Sirius smiled.

"Well. Maybe not exactly."

Harry grinned and Sirius rose up again.

"Any reason in particular that your brain wouldn't shut down?"

"Oh I dunno. Getting expelled. The trial. Ooh and Voldemort. Who can tell for sure?"

Sirius laughed. "Yeah. Thought it might be one of the above."

Sirius passed him a steaming mug and Harry held it in his hands.

"I just... if I'd done something wrong... I could face it. It's the fact that I've done nothing. Apart from protect Dudley. I'm innocent. That's what keeps me up at night."

Sirius took a sip. "Harry, you're preaching to the choir."

"I know. I know."

"Seriously, Harry. No matter what. Innocence. That belief in your own self. Hold onto that. No matter what anyone says."

Harry gave a small smile. "Since when did you become the sensible Godfather?"

Sirius laughed. "Yeah, well, I was thinking of taking you out to battle some more Dementors using underage magic, followed by a night of heavy drinking just to balance it out."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

"You got it. When you're eighteen. You're Mum would kill me otherwise, bless her heart."

"So would I." Lupin entered the room, a mock frown on his face. "As Harry's ex-teacher and friend, I am going to have to put my foot down, Sirius."

"Well, Mooney, right on queue with the moral high ground."

"Cup of tea going?"

"Not for you. Get your own."

Lupin took Sirius' own mug of tea and took a sip.

"Lovely. Thank you."

Sirius gave him a look and then smiled.

"My godson here is worried about his trial tomorrow. Oh and Voldemort but that's a lesser worry."

Lupin's face turned to one of concern and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Keep it light, Remus. We're having a laugh."

Lupin gave Sirius a look.

"How can you laugh at such a thing?"

"Voldemort? Well, let's start with the nose."

"Sirius. Come on."

"Okay. Harry, spill us your innermost feelings. Let them pour out. Cry if you want to. We won't judge."

"Sirius!"

Harry laughed, already feeling better.

"I wish we could come with you tomorrow." Lupin said sincerely.

"I reckon that might help, Remus." Sirius said straight-faced. "A convict and a werewolf. We'd show them. I'm sure they would start to see things from Harry's point of view"

Lupin allowed a small smile as Sirius and Harry laughed at him.

"Okay. Can we be serious for one second?"

"Are you anything but?" Sirius said through his laughter.

"Somebody has to be around here."

Lupin ignored Sirius and turned his attention to Harry.

"Harry, you have to stay confident. Speak clearly. Answer honestly, you don't have to exaggerate or downplay anything. You'll be fine. I have every confidence in you. As always."

"No matter what... even if the very worse happens..."

"Which it won't" Lupin added.

"You'll...you'll have a home. With me." Sirius said gruffly.

Lupin gave him a strange look and Sirius shrugged.

"Just so you know."

"The worst won't happen, Harry." Lupin said firmly, although he looked at Sirius as he said it. "You'll be on the Hogwarts Express with Ron and Hermione. You'll see."

Sirius' mood seemed to have mellowed and he stood up with the empty mugs. Lupin gave him a sad look, patted Harry reassuringly on the shoulder and left the room.

Harry stood up beside Sirius.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."


	5. Hagrid

_This was a stand alone story that I wrote and published on here a fair bit ago... I thought it would fit in nicely here. _

_Hope you enjoy- thank you for the reviews!_

_I do not own Harry Potter_

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Harry thought he would never feel fear again.

He had, after all, been through a less than ordinary life so far. If you had stared death in the face as many times as Harry, fear becomes much harder to feel.

Harry wasn't just scared. He was terrified.

Breathing quickly, he banged loudly on Hagrid's door.

Harry heard a frantic scratching and soft whimpering.

"Alrigh', alrigh'- Blossom! Get down!"

Harry grinned in spite of himself. Of course. Hagrid's new puppy- Harry had finally convinced Hagrid to get himself a new companion after his beloved Fang had died.

The latch was pulled up and the door opened.

"'Arry!"

Harry raised his eyebrow.

"Blossom?"

Hagrid went scarlett, "Yeah, well, on'y thing she will answer too, in't it? Got her second hand, like."

Harry grinned.

"Nice to see you, Hagrid"

"C'mere!"

Harry was pulled into one of Hagrid's usual back breaking hugs.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Harry shrugged, allowing a very excited Blossom to chew on his fingers.

"Does there need to be a reason?"

Hagrid smiled.

"Known you longer than most, 'Arry. There's always somethin' afoot. I'd 'ave thought things must 'ave calmed down for you in the past few years though."

"I thought so too."

"So there is a problem?"

"Yes."

"I'll pop the kettle on."

"Got anything stronger, Hagrid?"

Hagrid raised his eyes.

"Bloody 'ell Harry. Do I need to be sittin' down?

Hagrid reached into his cupboard and produced a huge bottle of whisky.

Harry sighed deeply.

"Ginny's pregnant."

Hagrid put the bottle down with a bang. A grin spread across his face. He took two strides across the room and wrung Harry's hands together.

"I was wonderin' when this would finally 'appen! Oh Harry, I can' tell you how thrilled I am."

Harry smiled weakly.

"Cheers, Hagrid."

Hagrid placed a glass in front of him.

"You don'' look too pleased abou' it Harry."

Harry's false smile dropped.

"I'm… I'm not ready for this Hagrid."

Hagrid chuckled softly.

"Nobody ever is, lad."

Harry shook his head.

"You don't understand. I don't know how to be a father… I don't know how to act around kids."

Hagrid stayed silent, softly scratching Blossom's ears and listened carefully.

"I mean… I don't know how to hold a baby… I don't know how to take care of one… It just seems so unfair. My dad knew what to do…Remus knew what to do and…" Harry trailed off.

Hagrid was smiling gently at him.

"Harry… there's no spell for this one."

"I don't know about that… Hermione might be able to dig one up for me."

They both laughed weakly.

"Harry… I'm glad you came here today. I truly am. It should be James tellin' you this… or Sirius, bless their souls… but, I've always looked on you as a kind of son, Harry, you know that. Always kept an extra special eye out for you. Promised myself I would, ever since I held you as a baby, which, incidentally, is not as hard as it looks."

Harry smiled.

"…When Dumbledore asked me to pick you up, when you were eleven, I had no idea what I was doing. As I said, no spell for this one. Yet you were such a little mite- clothes hangin' off you. I just wanted you to be okay. It's always been that way. My job, like."

Harry was touched.

"Well, you did a good job, Hagrid."

Hagrid's eyes filled with tears.

"And so will you, Harry."

They stayed silent for a while. Hagrid poured another glass for them both and picked it up.

"To the future, 'Arry!"

Harry smiled.

"To the future."


End file.
